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When I look back, I see a teenager who was naive, full of enthusiasm and energy. But those were days of turmoil. That teen could face all those without complaining, without whining, without doubts. I see that teenager had blind faith, maybe the faith that mother carries even today. But those days, mother had a shaken faith, which probably got fixed by then solid faith of the teen! She found it as a test to pass and she was determined to pass in calmness and not asking 'why me?'. It was agony, but made sweet in faith. It was tears in the midst of an ecstatic smile.

And I remember a 10 year old, who was carefree, who was aware of the disaster that fell on the family. Still she could be happy in the moment. She was happy for no reason, when the elders were going through the quick transformation from young to old manifested by greying hairs!

And now that girl is here transforming into the greying adult, who has confronted her faith a multitude of times. The blessings once were sought and fought for. Now in today's turmoil I asked why me? I was not ready to ask that before because I thought it's blasphemy. My beliefs and religious roots were against it. Even though the question was brief, I did ask! I was surprised by myself. The numerous occasions of losing and gaining faith, the awkward moments of prayer along with the ecstatic experiences of soulfulness! It was all me, redefining oneself and one's faith. I questioned everything, redefining my existing answers told or discovered during my journey. There were moments of loneliness where I didn't want him around, and there were moments when I cried on his shoulders. There were moments when I felt his presence and when he spoke through various means. I 'knew' those were messages and not my thoughts, still I couldn't accept it as that. Then I gathered the courage to accept it. I confronted it. It wasn't easy but was easier when I did it. I was messenger to many, not knowing what the message carried. Surprisingly those messages were random and beyond my comprehension. I shut myself from receiving those as I would be doubting everything all over again. It feels like hibernation but with soul churning confusions. I know everything can't be answered, I also know every answer is not perfect. Some answers evolve over time, and similar solutions to similar problems don't exist. The solutions vary even if the problem seem the same! You fight as if you are wrestling with the creator, questioning even the very existence. To my surprise, I have always found him with open arms with a smile to take me in. He just seem happy that I revolted. When problems transform to challenges and challenges turn to learnings or teachings! That moment of humbleness I turn into a child, who finds happiness in trivialities. Everything seems bright again. No, I'm not yet over the challenge. The uncertainties still loom, but there is an undercurrent of certainty. The 'I' deep within knows the certain, but this physical being is unaware of it. It seems like an enigma. It feels like you can touch it, but you just can't feel it! It all falls back into tatwamasi and the chidbararahasyam! Still I seek the unknowns, as I don't know what awaits even though it's certain.

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